Spoilers

When i watched the first one of these years ago i typed by saying please dont judge me, however this time… judge me. I was trying to find something easy to watch on Netflix so i clicked on the leaves at the end of the month button. & here it was Fifty Shades Darker. Its an easy watch because the story is so minimal & the book was (now looking back at it) so bad that its easy to remember the interesting parts. So why not. I remembered that id seen the end of this on sky cinema years ago but not since, so lets try & bare this shall we.

I write better sex than this… that is saying a lot. It bad, its so bad. Like i was cringing at points going nope no no.

I mean to make it hotter they let Jamie keep his stubble, because he is so much better with the beard or slight amount than not & as much as he often has his top off or is in a sharp suit (theres not much in between) it wasnt enough to win me over.

Calling the boss Jack Hyde is fucking lazy. He is always going to be the bad guy. & he was the most convincing actor in this at all. Like he was sleazy & not trust worthy & easy to hate. & how she never picked up on it all was just like girl RED FLAG.

Dakota Johnson is not a good actress at all. Thats it. Thats the paragraph. No honestly. Even when she was just lying in bed or biting her bottom lip i was like this is so so horrendously awkward to watch. Girl stop, just go. I mean i know you dont have to be a good actress in this film but still.

Naming the boat after your adopted mum, boring (we all know it was gonna happen).

She keeps talking about wanting vanilla & then he goes you can have me & all that & the she wants the KINKY FUCKERY (Best line in the film by a mile). & then theres only like 2 points where its any good at all. I mean i didnt mean to make someone do something in my writing, but i did & that was sexier than anything these to get up to at any point. She even doesnt get to do the throw back line at him about gawping, BLODDY GO BACK TO THAT MOMENT FILM.

It says an awful lot when Rita Ora is more convincing then some of the well known actors in this film.

His helicopter crash is so urgh, its just like what the hell & how out of time is that news report.

The ex sub, i get because it proves Anna is still in a toxic, bad relationship that she should run away from that second. HE seriously still has so much control over her & is her Dom its not good.

How is Kate going to afford her flat on her own if Anna is going to move out?

Jose would have so if he cared about Anna at all told her that she was going to be in his show.

The ball is a waste of time & we see & meet people we never really care about again (& her hair stayed looking that good after sex with him? That hairdresser was a wizard).

Some bits like that bit on the boat take forever so we can hear the song made for the soundtrack & then theres some bits that are so rushed & its like what the hell.

It was the most awkward 2hs of watching in my life & it was crap. Theres no way to put it politely it was complete & utter crap. Issue is, much like the books, i have to try & find the third film. You dont just leave it there. I need to suffer that as well.

This has been a short & snappy review but thats the best way of dealing with this rubbish movie. I know what id be better off reading…