Spoilers

Netflix is throwing out all sorts of random recommendations for me at the moment (must check to make sure my parents are using their login on my site & not mine), but in among the randomness is Van Helsing. Something ive never seen, so im on a vampire roll with the shadows so lets see what Hugh Jackman can deliver for me.

Okay so this isnt my vampire cuppa tea at all oh god know. It was bad, like so bad that im sitting here now typing this up trying to remember what happened in it & im struggling a little. I think ive removed it from my memory. Okay maybe i watch too many films, however most theres something that ultimately sticks in my head to get me typing. Whats currently going on in my head thinking about this, Jackman has his top off at points, that all i can see & a map, but other than that nothing, nothing at all.

so who remembers the film The Brothers Grimm, & how they dealt with so many fairy tales in one film, which was dark & twisted & good, remember that. so they obviously tried to do that with this, but they failed epically. We start off with Frankenstein, then there’s the weird vampires & Dracula, then werewolves & then witches (or at least a curse) they just failed to deal with any of them properly. It felt like a mess of suddenly going oh & then we add this oh & we need to remember to do that. It was almost like they didnt start with a plan for this film.

There was one consistent character in this film & it wasnt even Van Helsing or the damsel in distress who everyone tried to kill who i cant even remember Kates characters name (yea thats how little an impact that had on me) it was Van Helsings assistant Carl (see i remember his name) he just seemed additional to start with, but was bloody helpful, was bloody brave & spouted lots of exposition & plans at times we needed it & more importantly he got out of it alive & in one piece. Yay consistency.

Those brides of Dracula were a bit much in ever sense they really were. & you can see by there depiction that this was an early 00s film. It felt like it was trying to change & make women more important in a film, by making them a villain & having a power but ultimately they were just fodder ready to be disposed off & killed off when the time was right, no reason to car about them at all.

A family curse was interesting, but we didnt actually care about the family until we got to the endo f the film if im honest & how it was going to save the day & also at that point i had worked out that they would solve it all & save the day just as she dies, making the whole thing a waste of time. When i worked that out, thats when i think i lost interest in it.

Would the Vatican even in the dark ages go you know what we need a hand of this guy, surely they would be like nah this doesnt exists. They wouldnt believe in this super natural mumbo jumbo.

The bits in CGI or with effects were very poorly done they really were. Okay yes CGI has come along way since 2004, but you know it could have been so much better & much more convincing. IT would have made the finale & final battle much more realistic & cool. I mean Hugh is bloody wolverine & yet they couldnt turn him into a convincing werewolf for all of 5 minutes. nope no no no.

There was lots of accidental stumbling on McGuffins & maps & helpful things at the right time when they were losing hope to find a different item wasnt there. It really was just thrown together & felt disjointed.

The sentimental ending was so out of tune with the end of the film too, it felt weird that suddenly everyone cared or was sad & reminding. at least it didnt directly set up a sequel we never got, which was nice. If the film was made today, it would have defiantly ended that way.

Okay so turns out i do remember some bits from this god awful film, which is surprising. I mean the fact that Jackman couldnt save it, even with him being very wet & topless for parts of the film & smouldering alot with long hair. Yeah this is not one i will be revisiting, but at least netflix might work out im not up for this kinda film anymore.

Avoid people unless you watched it when it originally came out. If you are one of the people who do like this film let me know.

I prefer my vampires more Kiwi than this.