Spoilers

Well actually its more spoilers for me.

I have never seen a twilight film… yeah im shocked too. Ive seen the end of New Moon at a friends house like the last 15 mins before a night out (& id pre drank so dont remember much), but other than that nothing. Ive never read the books & never had inkling to watch them & catch up, but i now live on my own & no one can judge me for watching them. So i plan on watching them all & do a big review here of all of them (like the mission impossible films), over the next couple of weeks. So lets get to it shall we, i mean they cant be that bad.

Twilight

So i understand they’re teenagers & they are moody & its all stressful & dark, but it was so depressing the entire way through the film. At no point was there some light relief (i will get to one thing later on) but seriously they all just stared at each other & looked pale (i mean non vampires too by the way) the entire way through the movie. It wasnt giving off a positive vibe at all.

There was one bit that did make me laugh tho when shes met the family & hows her his room & her starts using his powers & he goes hold tight spider monkey. I laughed a lot at that. Im not sure i was meant to but i did. It was just so random compared to the rest of the film.

Nina for 24 is Bellas mum, that was random but i did go omg dont trust her when she appeared. I mean shes been a leaving mum so far to go play baseball with her new boyfriend instead. Also Anna Kendrick is in this film just as a normal human being, thats random shes pale enough to actually be a vampire.

The sparkles were too much. I understand now why Nick in What We Do in the Shadows was so pissed off when fire came off his hand in the extended version.

So they take the kids out of school when its hot, but does their dad not go to work as a doctor at that point?

why does Bella only ever go to science class & no others? Also why despite Edward being like 300 years old does he still have to go to school? The hats on the wall from graduating are good, but surly people would work it out eventually that hes just always really youthful.

The best bit of the film is the 90 seconds worth of Muse, Super Massive Black Hole that the film uses while the base ball game goes on. I mean its cool to see all their powers in that one scene, however when weve already had the revel & glimpses off this earlier in the film it does just feel a little oh really. I mean adding the lightning does make it a bit ohhh but still.

Jacob isnt really used in this film at all he literally pops up for a little exposition every now & then to move something along but its not that informative. Hes always just going to be friends zoned isnt he. Theres no chemistry there at all.

When she calls him out for being a vampire you think its going to be so overly dramatic & cool & scary & then it just isnt. She says the word & then theres a bit of a lul before it gets going.

HE stares at here sleeping yea thats weird & scary & very stalkerish.

Why did it take 90mins of a 120min film about vampire to properly get going & have any drama to it. Seriously the random attacks on people before the other gang arrive are so small they are easily forgettable & theres no suspense to them. There was more drama when that group of guys were going to gang up on bella. Anyhow i digressed so you slow plod for 90mins & then 17 mins of drama & omg & is she going to make it will she be a vampire will a Cullen die & then its all done & dusted & all is forgiven & they just go to prom… really nah film nah nah nah.

Also shed spent the entire film going no not going to prom & then she goes… whatttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt no way girl youd have had to have paid months in advance before going to prom. Nope not happening.

I really hope these films improve based on this one as i didnt enjoy it at all, but maybe because i know everyone now & i know there vampire rules i can apricate the next one a bit more. Im not going to quit on you yet Twilight i promised id watch you all so come on redeem yourself.

New Moon

Am i going to start each one of these review off with moaning about the amount of staring in each film. Im sure there was one point where they cut between people staring at each other about 6 times before one bilked or actually said something… lets see if this continues shall we.

So we met the Cullens last time & know all about them &the rules & what happens. This time forget that after 10mins until we get to the last 20mins of the films again. Once again why is it only at the end of these film that they get so interesting & are such a lul & just about tolerable before that point. Please improve on this film. Add some more drama half way through to stop me from falling asleep a bit.

So yea this time we learn about Werewolves & Jacob & if im honest, i know more about Werewolves from What We Do in the Shadows than i do Twilight… Same with vampires if im honest. But yeah its kinda explained but then its all just accepted & not really gone into further, i hope the books do make it so & make it more realistic (im talking werewolves being realistic oh god but you know what i mean) & authentically true to what they can do & why, not just say oh its in my genes & DNA.

Jacob is so desperate to get with Bella its painful, hes so clearly a third wheel even when Edwards not there & she will always pick Edward over him which is what she keeps telling him throughout, is he ever going to learn? Is this going to happen throughout the next 3 films as well. Im not sure i can cope if thats the case.

does he need that many abs & to be topless for son long in this film.

I get the nightmares & the dream catchers & leaving behind actual life, but she sat in a chair for 3 months? Okay we have all been depressed & sad & alienated especially with the last 18 months, but that was a bit much.

That cool other vampire from last time turned up & then was dispatched really quickly, but were still left with Victoria who i think must be CGI as we never actually see her Vampire at all she turns up says 2 words looks moody has a fight & runs off, thats it. Considering shes the main villain its not good.

Dont be a friend with Charlie. He has lost at least one friend per film so far.

None of her friends wanted to stage an intervention with Bella at all none of them, nah that weird, there would always be one who would push it. I mean they arent even on bored when she wasnts to do her ott action stuff. I mean seeing Edward in those flash forwards was weird.

I liked that at the start she thought it was her Grandma in the meadow with her. It took me 3 seconds to look at that lady & go future Bella. why did it take her a good 90 seconds.

Michael Sheen turning up made the film. HEs not in it long but if hes going to be head vampire with all that power i am so up for that & hes going to be fab & want to punish fucking everyone. I love how hes just so mean & so pale.

This was the film i had seen the end of before when they go visit Sheen. Im pretty sure that girl saw Edward shine bright like a diamond. She must have. Also noone else cared to watch that girl run the wrong way though a festival (which is like a pagan festival so is really weird, they would all stop to look at anything) & howd she get to italy in like 2 hours. Stupid.

The fact the vampires go from kill her to like ah she may turn soon so we will leave her alive carry on as per. Yea that so would not happen in the real world shes dead like that receptionist & the tourist. I do like that idea ahh guided tour with lunch for free, the catch is your the lunch.

They all vote on if shes going to be a vampire & be accepted into the family. Thats weird.

The best metaphor was that the meadow had died & all the trees were wilting until Edward came back that was nice, he heart was barren &he was falling apart to symbolise that, or am i reading to much in to it.

So it ends by him going he will turn her if she marries him & she goes say whattttttttttttt & then the film ends. Nope nope nope film dont do that at least let her have a bit more of a reaction to it before you stop there. Urghhhh bloody teen films.

So this was an improvement on the first one im really hoping stuff & drama go down in the next one, it had better do. Id quite like there to be something overly dramatic about 40mins in that then keeps it all going & not just have a 20min oh wow at the end. They need to learn this isnt a good way to keep people interested.

Eclipse

There still staring but they cut it down by about a third mainly because there is a lot of shit to get through in this one, which is actually good.

Yea theres bits of drama throughout with those new age vampire & how they go about getting other new vampires & killing people & hunting & the way they form & are untamed i like that, something to keep it all moving & growing & make it darker. I mean they did all have to die they really did, but it does now pose a question with them destroyed, the Cullens & wolves on the same page ish & Victoria dead, how are they going to make the final 2 films more epic than that.

So they recast Victoria, i mean that is a little random. Okay she hasnt been in much of the other films but considering shes the main villain who wants to kill Bella throughout all the films, she wasnt that scary or freaky or too powerful. The new vampire she made Riley was more of a threat than her.

The Vampire police are shit without Sheen they really are, i mean they just sat there & waited for it all to unfold, they really did just do that.

The whole bit about consent is good but then she still has no chemistry with Jacob so its always obvious she will pick Edward & will Marry him, hes such a bad third wheel. He only stood a chance when he was hugging her in the tent, i mean that was all very awkward. I know you cant pick when a vampire attack is going to happen from an Army, but it doesnt mean that they couldn’t find somewhere warmer than on top of a mountain. Idiots.

HE brought her a bed for one night which they dont have sex in & she still doesnt really sleep in & knows she wont need when she becomes a vampire.

So the Cullens just returned to school & no one battered an eyelid after being missing for the entirety of the last film.

How many graduation speeches has Edward heard in his life. Hundreds im guessing. But still that whole speech your meant to think oh is bella going to change her mind nah nope of course not. No way Pepe.

Going to see her mum for the last time was a bit sad wasnt it, i mean i wasnt crying but if thats the last time im gonna see Nina from 24 then boooooo. Also he sat inside throughout… urgh bad boyfriend. I know he doesnt want to sparkle but still.

I liked Jaspers back story that added a lot to the Cullen & vampire history & why he is like he is. That was really good & gave the story much more depth than the others, we actually cared a bit more about the Cullens from that.

The fact that is all i have to say about the film says a lot really. ITs the best one so far by quiet a way it had drama throughout, & it built on so many more characters & interesting aspects of this world. Im just a bit worried where we are going to go from here now the main baddie is gone.

Breaking Dawn Part 1

Okay Im going to say this now i know why these films actually kinda feel okayish, its Charlie. Its 100% Charlie. When he sees Bella in that Dress & he waves them off, thats proper movie Dad magic & i loved it. Hes not Robin Williams oh no but hes a bloody good dad to that kid. All he wants is the best for his little girl. Hes good.

OMG i didnt moan about the staring at the start of this review & mentioned something positive as well ahhh whats happening to me. There was still lots of staring, just from a badly CGI’d skeleton face of Bella.

How did Edward get to Brazil or where ever their honeymoon was. I mean it was night when he left & night when they arrived & im pretty sure it takes a while to get there. How was he not spotted shining.

No one at the wedding suffers from hay fever with all of those trees to stop the light touching them to make them sparkle. Thats not a kinda wedding i can attend. Also all those vampire just sat there not wanted to eat every single human that turned up. The cousins were a bit weird too, especially when the Wolves arrived.

So they make love & then say nah not doing that again until shes a vampire & it takes them a good 10mins later in the film which is about a week for them to realise she can go on top. Hes over 100 surly he should have known that could happen. They did destroy that bed tho.

Who the fuck shaves their legs etc after there wedding? Surly you do that before right???? urgh

So much chess on that honeymoon too.

& then the first couple of times they have sex shes automatically pregnant…. i know its a book & a film & im looking to far into it, however im calling bullshite on that.

I like that we heard the wolves telepathic conversation between them that was good, but why didnt we do it in the other films why is it only happening now. I know its to show the change of leadership within the pack but still, would have been good for some continuity other than just Edward reading Bellas mind.

EJ or Rennesme? what horrendous names are those. Poor kid. I mean it would have been better off a boy. Charlisile wasnt an idea then for the dads?

Th drinking the blood to make it look like a milk shake freaked me out a little but was a actually a bloody cool way to do it. I mean it saved her for the time being.

Edward just happens to have a vile with his venom in. How did he get that? Theres no explanation as to why he has it or how he got it extracted. & then it doesnt work & he has to keep biting her to transform her.

So Jacob was never attracted to Bella, it was always her unborn baby. Thats very freaky & weird & yet accepted by all.

The Wolves & the Cullens all failed their treaty right & it all falls apart but it literally takes one random act to solve it all. The hell. So what does that mean for the next film. You know Bella is now a vampire & married to Edward. The childs a live & is now protected by Jacob. The Wolves & the Cullens will never fight again due to the shared love of the child. So what the hell can part 2 give me.

& a mid credit with Michael Sheen isnt enough… hed better be in the next one liek almost all the time.

This is the most coherent of all the films so far. It still have times when it pisses me off, but i enjoyed it. But im not sure how its going to match Bella opening her red eyes for an ending.

Breaking Dawn Part 2

Right im angry at this film & i know i try to do the plot in order however, this is an exception.

HAVING THE GRAND FINALLY & BIG FIGHT OF THE ENTIRE FRANCHISE END UP BEING A FUCKING DREAM & IT NOT BEING REAL & THAT WHOLE 15 MINUTES BEING A WASTE OF TIME REALLY TICKED ME OFF & IM VERY ANGRY ABOUT IT!!!! SUCH A COP OUT BOOO YOU FILM BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Sorry had to get that out of my system. It was just so cleverly done & certain key people died or were attacked or brought everything into disrepair & violence for then Alice to Remove her hand & go thats your future & then for Sheen to be like fuck this im going back to Italy. Have the guts to do it Sheen or kill someone else not just the random cousin who saw random stuff going on.

Suddenly learning that all vampires have more than just the basic talents & they can teach others is very random, this hasnt happened in the rest of the films. & all the vampires come from everywhere to protect the child. Remi Malik randomly being able to shift stuff was odd too.

Charlie as much as i have said hes a bloody good dad doesnt realise that suddenly his daughter doesnt eat & that his granddaughter has aged 8 years in 8 months…. hmmmmm I mean im glad Jacob showed him he was werewolf but still, he should have realised.

The hunting is weird especially with the human being tracked too.

I just dont get all the witnesses to show Sheen that kid & then getting that older kid whos half vampire half human from else where there as well. It all just makes collecting everyone & the eventual non fight a waste of time.

The montage of Bella showing Edward her life was a bit oh really, i mean its nice she can protect them all with her shield but did it have to be so soppy. Also whos got the kid while this is happening & also why are they not sparling in the sun in their meadow.

Im just pissed off that the epic finally was just a huge cop out. IT all looked so good &there was proper revenge & death & all sorts of stuff going on. 3 lines ruined an okayish movie.


& thats that thats the twilight saga done. Eclipse is the best of them all & the first 2 really do drag on, with so much exposition, that it makes the 3rd good. Im glad ive finally see them & i did enjoy watching them all back to back. But if i want Vampires & Werewolves I think i will stick with the Shadows if thats okay. As a group of films collectively together they are average .