Spoilers

Once Upon a time in a galaxy far far away, me & my friends used to by rubbish DVDs & watch them. Wed watch 1 film a month while drinking & snacking & fall asleep on someone sofa. This was one of those films which i remember watching once & that was it but the only thing i remembered from it was crap. Fast-forward years later i asked my friends if they still had the film they purchased for £3.00 so i could watch it, turns out my friend who had it that got rid of it years ago. Livid. Never throw out your physical media peoples.

So for the last 2 & a half years i have searched for Blood Sucking Bastards to re-watch on streaming services that i have, & without paying more for it or getting the DVD imported for a fortune half way across the world, my ventures havent been worth the time. & then last sunday pluto randomly advertised that they had some Pedro on their service. & it didnt appear for the first few days but yesterday 4 August it did. So for the next 90mins me & Max P are going to have fun.

Now normally i start a Pedro Pascal film review by saying no bias here, im watching this as a film fan however… from what i remembered of this film, i remember it wasnt very good so for once this is watched entirely with Pedro Pascal Bias.

ONLY WATCH THIS FILM FOR BITEY MAXIE!

& that the end of my review bye…

Joking… but seriously, whatever they paid Pedro to turn up smoulder say the word seduction that way & wear that suit that well was bloody worth it. Oh my. Yea Max Phillips he could so be my boss. I would not mind being his snack or turned into a vampire. He just oozes sophistication & style & is so good at being a bastard. I hate micromanaging bosses, but damn Max Phillips could micromanage me. He is so badly written though. I mean i write Max Phillips better & that it saying a lot. This is the source material & yet i can write him better. I mean he has all the best lines (except for his mate who helps him but theres always one character in a film like that). But if you dont work out from the start when he does that speech that he isn’t a vampire then you are wrong.

The metaphor of you job being the death of you & you working to live is clever. Although im pretty sure the film did not mean to go that deep with it. I think thas just my over analysing movie brain looking at it.

MAX GETS TO KEEP THE HAND TATTOO!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!! SO HAPPY!!! I went back just to double check it too. I was like yes, thank god i didnt dream that.

There are so many office stereo types in this film. It was like they just went ahhh this person would do this, this person just hangs around & has a job but no one knows what they do, this guy has a dodgy password dont check his system. Yea they are all there & everyone other than Evan matches their vibe. Well actually Evan does because you know quite early on hes getting the girl, is going to kill the vampire & survive. You work that out pretty quickly even a casual film fan can work that out.

Turning legal & the janitors into vampires first its actually bloody smart, i was actually liek yes Max theres a reason you are good at business, good man. Also why did he have to go to Romania to get his education, he could have gone anywhere in the world to get in & possibly even america, but no he goes somewhere where people assume vampires come from & guess what gets turned into a vampire.

If i said to someone i love you & their reply, id have reacted the same way as she did, i really would have. But now if i say that to someone & they say no… it means they understand me & they get the reference. I mean that is stil la bad thing to say. Id much prefer a i know, but now i know this is a thing it makes sense.

Watching casually while eating & drinking as your friends & colleagues are slowly turned into vampires is insane. & was weird when it was jsut one of them, but when it was 2 people it was fucking hilarious. I loved it. I laughed too long at that.

The over flowing exploding blood was a bit much at points. I mean i get that as the head vampire Max had to preoral explode, but some of the others was like oh damn not good. That was a lot of blood. A lot of food colouring was used for some of that.

Killing Ted & then sitting there going this is the worst part of the Job?! I loved it. Like i said earlier Max had all the fun in this film.

How did they not work out they werent all vampires sooner, like what the hell. I mean i like the throwing snacks game to see who lives or dies & the rock paper scissors thats cool. It was a very nice distraction from all the murder happening else where, we just kept going to see those two. & it was kind of nice that neither of them had the heart to actually kill each other in the end.

So what happens to that company. Max was brought in to save it by Ted, but Ted half his staff (be it vampires or eating) & Max are now all dead. So do they go bust? Also they just let them walk out of the building. I do love that they take out the lift music too, because that would be fucking irritating.

This is a film that is complete & utterly crap. Im not hiding it. It is. ITs low budget. Its cliché. Its badly written. & there is some atrocious acting in it. However, it knows this. It knows its not a serious vampire film. IT knows its crap & it goes for it. & Pedro being decent & not being in it all the time means that when he turns up to fuck things over you appreciate those moments even more because your like he is actually there to show the rest of them up, like his character does in the movie. Its an epic idea, & thats why it bloody works & is hysterical.

It is a rubbish film, but because of that (& Pedro as Max Phillips) its worth a watch. We shouldnt compare films like this to Oppenheimer, its in a different category but oh my it sucks, but by god it knows it & makes you laugh & go ewwwwww along the way… in a really fun way.

Right i have some Max Phillips to write now… bye.