Spoilers

Happy birthday to me. Yep im 33 today. Its been a weird year but to all the newbies now here who have sent me love today i adore you all (not that you will read this for ages). So ive been thinking long & hard what to watch tonight & i decided theres only one way to Toast my birthday this year… & that is with the adorable Javi Gutierrez on his birthday on screen. Oh & Nicholas Cage is there too. Yep its time to watch The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent for the third time this year & not just stare at Softie for the entirety of the movie… that is easier said than done.

As always will try not to write this with Pedro Bias… I cant promise anything though.

I have one issue with this film, & its a biggun to… Its Fake Imaginary Nicholas Cage. He does my head in. When he turned up at the start its slightly funny, but more tolerable. & then we get the bar scene & you think oh okay i get that. But then we dont see him for ages & ages (even when they trip on LSD{we will get to that}) but then in act 3 he comes back & im always like really? we’re doing this again. I get hes busy contemplating, but he just gets on my tits & its like no i dont want this in my film, please go away please please please. This is the only reason this film didnt get 5 stars from me.

Other than that Nicholas Cage playing an exaggerated version of himself is fantastic. He owns it & i love how he does it. At points you sit there & do go actually yea maybe he would do that, if this was the case. You wouldnt put it past him. He has a blast playing himself & i think he really enjoyed it. His smile at points in this film is genuine, theres no acting there. It feels organic & right. Yes i get that its over the top but still.

Javi Gutierrez is my second favourite Pedro Pascal Character in a certain way (behind Dave Stabby York). He is so adorable & his little Curl that escapes & those puppy dog eyes. No way was that man ever ruthless like they make you think he is. He is just so perfect & sweet & such a fan boy & i adore him & i want to put him in my pocket & cuddle him & tell him its all going to be okay & that he is my soft little sunshine.

& then i was sold… If you know me you know i adore the Paddington Movies. I always have. I’ve always sat here & talked about how good they both are. & then Javi G puts Paddington 2 in his top 3 films of all time. I laugh every time but it so works. Watching that moment twice in a cinema filled with people laughing which is the official moment everyone is on side with the film, it so good. So much so that when i tell people or they tell me the Paddington 2 is incredible, the reply always has to be… I FUCKIGN TOLD YOU. Its also the sweet soft look in Pedros face as he pauses before he says Paddington 2. If you do not fall in love with that man at that exact moment, then i feel very very sorry for you, because its when Softie is at his softest. Its just beautiful. He became more than just in my top 10 at that moment, he leapt to 2 & is now 1 (dont tell Tom Hiddleston)

Now the fan boy room… Epic. I love how hes so happy but also so embarrassed to have it. & he actually has the person its devoted to in the room. I would so do that too. That would so be me, trying to be cool but just being like no nope, this is the dream. & then the repairing of the pillow. Thats the best part of the room. I would do that & i love that Nick is genuinely like no nope i dont like that bit & hes like no i need to repair the sequins. That is the level of dedication to being a fan boy & film nerd, good man.

This was the most, up to this point, the most i had seen of Con Air other than the 2 iconic bits everyone has seen, so cheers movie, you made me watch Con Air cheers. Also i had no idea How Do I Live Came from that film either. I knew it was from a film soundtrack but ahhhh didnt know it was Con Air.

The kidnapping side plot keep being forgotten at points, but did they really think they would get away with it. Javis Mafia Mob family really were crap at their jobs werent they. Theyd have never taken his daughter as well. Shes of no value at all. I also think they were more of a ahhh we need to add act 3 drama, but thats the point because the film self writes itself at points. It foreshadows its own self & you only realise that on a second viewing.

Im not going to write all the easter eggs down, mainly because i recognise some stuff as them, but (& im sorry about this) my Nicholas Cage knowledge isnt that great. Its not been a part ive got to yet. I will do i promise. I want to watch some proper classics. I really do. But the bits i good were so good & clever.

Javi should not wear those shorts by the pool, i mean damn. Our man has unbearable talent… sorry i had to say it. & lets not start me on that deleted scene from the pool in the evening.

When he takes him to the cliffs & does his little inspirational speech its adorable, because cage at that point really is why the fuck am i here other than a pay cheque. But its so clever, & it is one hell of a speech & you dont fully realise before they jump that they are going into the water. Its very funny, but how do they get the car back.

The FBI are crap, they really are. I mean Tiffany is good in her role & it does move things on but they are fun. They get killed off at the right point. But when he is trying to break into the security room & almost kills himself so they say action to wake him up from his coma, its brilliant.

The LSD trip… inspired. I know its now a meme with the song (which someone messaged me about the other day & went but thats not the song… no its not watch the bloody film before you make memes. But the whole bit of the LSD is so funny. From the drive, to the sitting in town, being paranoid, & then the “chase & escape” its crazy. The two people they think that are watching them are not the same people 5mins later. But thats so clever to use people in similar clothes & one with mad hair. Also the wall climb, what the fuck. & then softie gets hit by a fucking car. Apparently they broke 11 cars windscreens to do that stunt. & then when hes shouting at cage to drive & he realises how big his hands are… its adorable. Its such a Javi G thing. writing that was so good.

When they get the family to fly over & he thinks its to kill them but its not & then it ends up that is the case. I mean it is funny the whole im not a good enough dad. As much as he was putting it on to send them home, it did show that he had come a long way from the therapy & happy birthday song as the start of the film. Also i love the Javi puts them out a lush tapas to eat & then we he goes to chat to lucas who is really in charge, hes eating fruit loops (one of Pedros faves obviously) i love that, that he was being a nice host & putting on a show because he cared for his guests but then was like nah ill have cereal & nearly die.

When cage turns the golden guns on him thats brilliant. Also its nto often a film goes oh here is act 3 &then act 3 starts, it was so self aware it so worked.

From the shoe swap to getting to the safe house is insane. So much goes down. I mean the shoe swap is just so sweet & they both know one of them has to die. & then breaking in the carto take out the bad guy on his bike (& then he punches Javi) its so im a Nicholas Cage movie.

Lucas wasnt a good crime lord because surely if he didnt recognise cage he should have noticed the wife. I mean he had to steal the daughter from her. So when these two random people turn up, he eventually just lets them in. Also his hold up is made to look impossible to get in & then they all do somehow. eh? See what i mean. Clearly Javi was the real brains behind it all to outsmart his cousin.

Saving the girls is a little but limp, but we had to have some over the topness that wasnt necessary for the end of a cage film. Also Javi gets with Gabriella finally. They are so cute together & he gets the stand off with his cousin at last. Although when i first saw it i so didnt see that it would actually end up being the film that was happening. That was a very clever touch that it actually was their story that became a film. Just dont but also please do go to that vanity fair interview Pedro please… its a state of mind after all…

& then with it ending with them all having learnt their family lesson & watching Paddington 2 instead of living the highlife is just so sweet. See Paddington solves everything. It really does.

Everywhere they shot in spain & croatia was so beautiful & lush & it just made it all look so nice & pretty & you sat there at the end of it going, i need a fucking holiday, just with less crime.

There are much better & well crafted films that came out this year, for sure. Ones that are more funny too. However except for the other Nicholas Cage, this film hits every mark & knows what it is. Its a parody of Cage & itself, with a funny little fandom story & a bit of mafia control thrown in. If a film knows what it is & delivers & makes me smile at the end every single time, im here for it. So even without the Pedro bias, this is well worth your time peoples, its so funny but also so sweet & batshit.

& i dare you to not put Paddington 2 on straight afterwards… “It will make you want to be a better man!”