Spoilers

I need to stop watching films from my childhood that aren’t Disney or shrek… none seem to be fairing well at the moment. Maybe this is the one that changes it.

Synopsis time for everyone who’s not seen this film in 20 years(look it was on sky cinema I was bored) Odette & Derick are two small children of different kingdoms who’s parents basically force them to fall in love & neither actually like each other. Eventually they do ish but Derick only loves her beauty & doesn’t say he loves her completely so Odette turns down his marriage proposal. On their way back to their kingdom some random daemon guy who had been banished years before kidnaps Odette & kills her dad which makes Derick realise he loves her. He then spends all summer with his best friend learning how to find & track the creature that took Odette & killed her dad. Odette mean while has been turned into a swan who turns into a human when the moonlight hits the lake, & this will continue each night unless she gets a vow of true love or agrees to be the evil guys queen. Derick almost hunts Odette as a swan while she is out looking for him one day, she then revels herself & Derick promises to brake the spell at the ball the next night by making a vow. Unfortunately the next night there is no moon so Odette is still a swan. The evil guy sends his old made to pose as Odette meaning Derick makes the vow to the wrong person. This causes Odette to be forever cursed & die of a broken heart before Derick can save her. The evil guy then turns into the creature & try’s to kill Derick, but his friend who had been taken hostage helps Derick & they kill the evil guy, this breaking the curses. Dericks tears & kiss of true love bring Odette back to life, & they finally get married having confirmed their love for each other.

Man that was long well done for sticking with. That was a lot of typing for that I’m sure I’ve missed something important out oh well.

Oh god this was crap too. So shallow so self deprecating & just even worse than Disney’s unrealistic type of princes & princesses. That all anyone thinks about getting fucking married all the time. Some of us are just happy being single until we meet the right person alright.

The best bit of the entire film (& also its sad) i that John Cleese is a talking frog. Why why John your so much better than this. You lowered yourself to this. I hope you were paid a fortune for it. I really do.

Why could he only turn her into a swan & only for basically 12 hours & only at the lake? Your a wizard black magic guy you should be able to force her to marry you. You really should, if you have that much power. & then when she does agree as a distraction he doesnt marry her  wtf? yes he was eves dropping but still id have jumped at that chance.

At no point does it say that if someone else gets her vow of true love she will die, until shes fucking dieing thats never explained.

Did we really need so much of Derick trying to train to kill the monster or work it all out. There wasnt enough to make it fun or interesting or light relief, but it was also too short to make that all worth while.

His best friend is quite good, however we needed him to be more of a sidekick & have no idea how he ended up in the cell too. Thats never explained hes just thrown in.

It had more of a male lead than a female lead so make it more boyish so then boys will watch it too. Dont just really on a stupid love story.

Im going to do the Elsa bit. He just looks at her after seeing her once as an adult & vice versa & they go fuck me im going to marry you. He didnt even actually propose either did he he just shouts arrange the wedding. That is not how love works animators for kids films no no no. Can we please stop this. & then he only loves her beauty not her oh god. Thats just fat shaming.

We also have the fact that they get married at the fucking lake at the end oh god, yeah that is not on or cricket. That can do one. Why get married where youve been held captive for months bit Stockholm syndrome if you ask me.

Oh im getting angry as i type now so im going to stop. Turns out disney really were the only people doing good 90’s films here & everyone else was just lucky to get a look in, I am never watching this again for so many reasons.